The Way We Attach: Understanding Our Patterns in Love and Letting Go (Part 1).
attachment styles: why we love the way we do (and how to stay safe whilst doing it).
In this two part series I’ll unpack attachment theory, what it is, how it shows up and what you can do about it.
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep choosing the same kind of partner, why conflict feels unbearable (or strangely familiar), or why closeness can feel both comforting and terrifying at the same time, you’re not broken. You’re attached.
Attachment styles shape how we connect, how we fight, how we repair and sometimes how we stay far longer than we should. Understanding attachment isn’t about labelling yourself or your partner - it’s about gaining language for patterns that were learned long before you had a choice.
Let’s unpack where attachment theory came from, how it shows up in everyday adult relationships and how to navigate different attachment styles with clarity, compassion and safety.
A brief history of attachment theory.
Attachment theory was developed in the 1950’s by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. Working with children who had experienced separation, loss or trauma, Bowlby observed that a child’s early bond with their primary caregiver profoundly influenced their emotional development and future relationships.
Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work through her famous ‘Strange Situation’ studies. She identified distinct patterns in how infants responded to separation and reunion with caregivers. These patterns became the foundation of what we now call attachment styles.
Early relationships teach us:
Whether others are safe.
Whether we are worthy of care.
How closeness works.
What to do when we feel distressed.
These lessons don’t disappear when we grow up. They simply put on adult clothes and walk into our romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces and even our relationships with ourselves.
the four main attachment styles.
Secure Attachment.
‘I’m okay. You’re okay’.
People with secure attachment generally experienced caregivers who were mostly responsive, emotionally available and consistent. Not perfect - just good enough.
In adulthood, secure attachment style often looks like:
Comfort with intimacy and independence.
Ability to communicate needs clearly.
Willingness to repair after conflict.
Trust without naivety.
Boundaries without walls.
Securely attached people still feel pain, jealousy, fear and disappointment - but they don’t confuse intensity with love or chaos with connection.
Importantly secure attachment can be learned, even if it wasn’t your starting point.
Anxious Attachment.
‘I’m not okay unless you’re okay with me’.
Anxious attachment often develops when caregiving was inconsistent - sometimes nurturing, sometimes unavailable, unpredictable or emotionally preoccupied.
In adult relationships this can show up as:
Fear of abandonment.
Hypervigilance to tone, mood and distance.
Overthinking texts, silences and changes.
Difficulty self-soothing.
A tendency to over-give or over-accommodate.
Anxiously attached people don’t want ‘too much’. They want reassurance that feels steady enough to trust. Unfortunately, they often partner with people who struggle to provide it.
Avoidant Attachment.
“I'm okay on my own. I don’t need anyone’.
Avoidant attachment typically forms when caregivers were emotionally distant, dismissive or uncomfortable with a child’s needs. The child learns that closeness equals disappointment or intrusion.
In adulthood, avoidant attachment can look like:
Discomfort with emotional vulnerability.
Pulling away when things get serious.
Minimising needs (their own and others).
Prioritising independence over connection.
Shutting down during conflict.
Avoidantly attached people often value relationships - but fear the cost of them.
Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment.
‘I want you. I’m scared of you’.
Disorganised attachment usually develops in the context of trauma, neglect or a caregiving that was both a source of comfort and fear.
This style can feel like:
Intense push-pull dynamics.
Difficulty trusting self or others.
Strong emotional reactions followed by withdrawal.
Confusion around boundaries.
Staying in unsafe relationships because chaos feels familiar.
This attachment style deserves particular care and compassion - and often professional support - because it’s rooted in survival, not choice.
attachment styles in everyday life.
Attachment shapes more than romantic relationships - it affects friendships, work dynamics and self-perception.
Anxious attachment: may apologise excessively or feel responsible for others’ emotions.
Avoidant attachment: may intellectualise emotions or distance from conflict.
Secure attachment: navigates discomfort but remains present and engaged.
Attachment patterns are survival strategies from childhood, not moral failings.
Awareness is the first step towards change.
reflective questions for part 1.
Which attachment style resonates most with your childhood experiences?
How do you notice your attachment style showing up in friendships, work or family relationships?
When do you feel most safe and secure with others and what conditions make you anxious or distant?
Are there patterns in your relationship that feel repetitive or draining?
australian self-help resources.
Beyond Blue - Relationships and Mental Health.
Lifeline: Emotional Support 13 11 14.
