Understanding Your Window of Tolerance: Why You Feel Calm Some Days and Completely Overwhelmed on Others (Part 2).
understanding your window of tolerance
If you’ve read Part One, you’ll know that your Window of Tolerance is the space where your nervous system feels regulated. It’s the place where you can think clearly, respond rather than react and feel connected to yourself and the people around you.
The good news is this:
While life will always throw challenges your way, there are things you can do to support your nervous system and gently widen your window over time.
Notice I didn’t say control your nervous system.
Or never get overwhelmed again.
Neither of those is realistic
The goal isn’t perfection.
The goal is becoming better at recognising when you’re drifting outside your window and knowing how to guide yourself back.
That’s a skill anyone can learn.
start noticing your patterns
One of the most valuable things you can do is become a student of your own nervous system.
Rather than judging your reactions, become curious about them.
Ask yourself:
What happened just before I felt overwhelmed?
What had my day looked like?
Had I eaten?
Had I slept well?
Was I already stressed before this happened?
Was I saying ‘yes’ when I really wanted to say ‘no’?
You may begin to notice patterns.
Perhaps work meetings leave you feeling wired?
Perhaps family gatherings exhaust you?
Perhaps scrolling social media late at night makes it harder to sleep?
Awareness is powerful because you can’t change. What you don’t notice.
build your own regulation toolkit
Not every strategy works for every person.
Some people calm down by sitting quietly.
Others need movement.
Some need connection.
Others need space.
Think about creating your own ‘toolkit’ of things that help you return to your window.
It might include:
Going for a walk
Stretching or yoga
Gardening
Listening to calming music
Taking slow breaths
Sitting outside with a cup of tea
Cuddling your dog
Having a shower
Journalling
Talking with someone you trust
It might be one of these things one day and a different one the next
These aren’t luxuries.
They’re ways of supporting your nervous system before it reaches breaking point.
boundaries are nervous system care
Many women think boundaries are about keeping other people happy whilst trying not to upset anyone.
In reality, healthy boundaries are one of the greatest gits you can give your nervous system.
Every time you repeatedly ignore your own needs, say yes when you mean no, overcommit yourself, or carry responsibilities that don't belong to you, your nervous system notices.
Little by little, your window narrows.
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re gentle guidelines that protect your emotional energy.
Sometimes a boundary sounds like:
I’m not available tonight
I need some time before I answer
I can’t take that on right now
I’m choosing to rest this weekend
Many women feel guilty when they first begin setting boundaries.
That’s normal.
Remember, guilt doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong.
Sometimes it simply means you’re doing something differently.
THe power of mindfulness
Mindfulness isn’t about clearing your mind or sitting cross-legged for an hour.
It’s simply learning to notice what’s happening without immediately reacting.
You might pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
Where do I notice it in my body?
What do I need right now?
Even sixty seconds of mindful breathing can interrupt the cycle of overwhelm.
Your nervous system doesn’t need perfection.
It needs moments of safety.
small habits matter more than big changes
People often imagine emotional wellbeing comes from dramatic life changes and sometimes it does but more often it comes from ordinary moments repeated consistently, such as:
Drinking enough water
Getting enough sleep
Moving your body
Laughing with friends
Eating regular meals
Taking breaks
Spending time in nature
Limiting constant notifications
These things may seem simple but practised constantly they tell your nervous system it’s safe.
expanding your window takes time
Think of your Window of Tolerance like building physical fitness.
You wouldn’t expect to walk into a gym and lift the heaviest weights on your first day!
Emotional resilience develops in the same way:
Every time you recognise your stress earlier
Every time you pause before reacting
Every time you choose rest instead of pushing through
You’re strengthening your nervous system.
Progress isn’t measured by becoming overwhelmed; it’s measured by how quickly you notice, recover and reconnect.
when you need extra support
Sometimes our window has become very narrow because we’ve experienced prolonged stress, grief, trauma, burnout, anxiety or major life changes.
There’s no shame in asking for support.
In fact, reaching out often becomes one of the bravest and healthiest decisions you can make.
A counsellor can help you:
Identify your triggers
Understand your nervous system
Learn practical regulation skills
Develop healthier boundaries
Challenge unhelpful thinking patterns
Build confidence in managing difficult emotions
You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis.
Support can also be about learning how to stay well.
a simple exercise to try this week
For the next seven days, spend just two minutes each evening asking yourself these questions:
What helped me feel calm today?
What drained my energy?
When did I feel most like myself?
Did I notice any signs that I was becoming overwhelmed?
What might I do differently tomorrow?
Don’t overthink your answers.
You’re simply gathering information.
Over time you’ll begin to see patterns and those patterns will help you care for yourself more intentionally.
remember this…
Your Window of Tolerance isn’t a measure of your strength.
It isn’t something you pass or fail.
It’s simply a reflection of how much your nervous system is carrying right now.
Some seasons of life naturally make your window smaller:
New motherhood
Perimenopause
Relationship changes
Workplace stress
Caring for ageing parents
Illness
Grief
None of these mean you’re weak, they just mean you’re human.
The more compassion you offer yourself, the easier it becomes to recognise what your nervous system needs.
Because healing isn’t about becoming someone different but about creating conditions where you can become more fully yourself.
If there’s one thing I’d love you to take away from these two blogs, it’s this:
Your nervous system isn’t working against you.
It’s working for you.
Once you learn to listen to it, it becomes one of your greatest sources of wisdom 💛
looking after yourself isn’t selfish
Understanding your Window of Tolerance isn’t about eliminating stress from your life.
That’s impossible.
It’s about recognising when your nervous system is asking for support, responding with kindness instead of criticism and remembering that you don’t have to navigate life’s challenges alone.
The more you learn to work with your nervous system, the more you’ll discover that calm isn’t something you stumble across.
It’s something you can intentionally create one small choice at a a time.
resources
Beyond Blue (Australia) - Information on anxiety, stress management and mental wellbeing
Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) Western Australia - Free resources
This Way Up - Online CBT programs
Head to Health - Government supported mental health information and services
Black Dog Institute - Resources on stress, resilience and emotional regulation
Smiling Mind - Free Australian mindfulness app with guided meditations and ground exercises
