Loneliness, a modern epidemic.
loneliness.
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve had more than a few conversations with people about how lonely they feel.
Some are in intimate partner relationships, some are not, some are older and others are younger. Something that they all share though is a sense of not wanting to be alone with themselves. They want stimulation and connection, a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
After listening to what they were saying I brainstormed with some of them about ways to help pass the time, particularly in the evenings (winter in Adelaide can be rather long)! Foremost in my mind was how they could feel like their cups were being filled and that they were more self-connected than they otherwise might have felt.
Then last week I was in the car and the podcast spooled over to this episode of LADIES WE NEED TO TALK and I started to wonder at the state of society. From what the ladies were saying those I’d been speaking with were not alone in their loneliness and so I decided to write something about it.
loneliness or social isolation?
Distinct feelings, these two concepts are different from each other, with loneliness being a subjective feeling of disconnection from others. This means the feeling of loneliness is based on our personal feelings or opinions and can be experienced even in the presence of others. Hence why some people report feeling lonely in marriages or families where they might feel ‘out of step’.
Social Isolation is the objective lack of social contacts, meaning there is a tangible lack of social interaction or connection. It’s more a state of being than a state of having.
There is a relationship between the two concepts with social isolation being a risk factor for loneliness and loneliness being a predictor of social isolation.
Whilst the two may coexist, they aren’t necessarily linked and a person can be socially isolated and not lonely or they can feel lonely despite being surrounded by others.
the impact of loneliness on health.
With loneliness reported as being linked to premature death, poor physical and mental health and greater psychological distress, this epidemic has been described as one of the most pressing public health priorities in Australia.
It’s thought that loneliness is linked to cortisol, our stress hormone and that when we’re lonely our cortisol increases, reducing our immune system capacity. Cortisol helps the body respond to stress by increasing our blood sugar levels, it influences how we use carbohydrates, fats and proteins and helps to reduce inflammation in the body.
We know that increased inflammation is associated with heart disease and it’s reported that when people are lonely, they are more likely to binge eat and increase alcohol intake. Both behaviours increase the risk of inflammation which then leads to heart disease…and so it goes.
It should be noted that loneliness is not a mental health condition on its own but being lonely can have serious impacts on both mental and physical health.
factors influencing loneliness.
Whilst loneliness is a universal experience it’s interpreted and expressed differently across differing cultures with some cultures maintaining a strong family/community connection whilst others encourage more independence. In some cultures there are little to no social supports available and in rural Australia there may be limited or no access to resources.
There are, however, some factors that are reported throughout the world as having an effect on loneliness.
Poor mental or physical health.
Shyness, social anxiety or isolation.
Social marginalisation or discrimination.
Being a victim of violence or abuse.
Life changes such as illness, divorce, death or unemployment.
Common amongst those experiencing loneliness is a reported lack of social connection, physical connection and emotional intimacy. There’s a deficit of common interests, shared values and self-intimacy.
tips to overcome loneliness?
I’ve done some talking, thinking and digging around and put together some ways that you might think about overcoming feelings of loneliness.
Whilst deeply personal and likely to look different for everyone there are some things you can do to start your journey of connection and fulfilment.
Name it honestly.
Acknowledge that you’re lonely.
Don’t think about it as a weakness, it’s just the human need for connection and really ‘normal’.
Tell a friend whom you trust.
Talk to a therapist who will support you.
Sharing with someone is often a powerful first step.
Check the story you’re telling yourself.
Feeling lonely can twist your thoughts negatively and magnify them.
Whilst the thoughts feel real, they’re often exaggerated.
Try reframing the thoughts, book a session with me to learn how to do this.
Start with a small connection.
Just one or two meaningful connections can make a big difference.
Text someone you haven’t spoken to for a while.
Go out for a coffee and make conversation with a stranger.
Make eye contact and chat with a neighbour or someone at the shops.
Schedule activities.
Planning things in advance can make it easier to connect with others.
Set some time aside each week to mindfully plan who you’d like to spend time with.
Joining a gym or fitness group can help to keep you on track and build connections.
Nurture a relationship with yourself.
Loneliness might point to a need for deeper self-reflection so ask yourself:
Am I comfortable in my own company?
What do I need emotionally right now?
Try activities to help you feel more like yourself. You might try journaling, walking out in nature, crafting or listening to music and reading a book.
This publication might give you some ideas about how to practice self-care.
Stay occupied.
Being in your own head can lead to being trapped in a cycle of unhelpful thoughts.
Try redirecting your attention to create more positive emotions.
Boost self-esteem and confidence by accomplishing something.
Think about what you might have tried in the past which was fulfilling and do it again. It might be reading, gardening, cooking, baking or taking a short course online.
Why not join a club or organisation?
Volunteer.
Being a volunteer can help you to feel useful and increase self-worth.
A volunteer role can mean you leave the house regularly and meet new people.
It can add to the feeling that you’re doing something good for the world.
Look here for ideas about what type of volunteering might interest you.
If you’d like a pet but no commitment this website has some ideas.
Practice patience and kindness.
There is no quick fix for loneliness, building connections takes time.
Be kind to yourself whilst you explore options.
Rest, breathe and let the pressure of ‘getting over yourself’ go.
Practicing mindfulness and deep breathing can help with feelings of overwhelm.
Loneliness isn’t just about being alone, it’s about feeling disconnected. It can show up in a crowded room or in the quiet of your own home.
If you’ve been feeling lonely of late, it’s ok to ask for support. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, broken or needy, simply that you’re human.
We’re wired for connection and when connection feels out of reach our thoughts, energy and sense of self can become distorted, affecting the way we are in the world.
I hope the ideas in this blog have guided you in a positive direction and that something here resonates for you. If you’d like help finding what works for you reach out and we can work together to help you deepen your connection to self and others.