why women put themselves last (and why it matters)
When was the last time you did something just for yourself - without feeling guilty, checking your phone or thinking about everything else you should be doing?
If you had to think hard about that question, you’re certainly not alone.
For many women, life feels like one long list of responsibilities. There is work to get through, meals to organise, children to care for, relationships to nurture, family members to check on, appointments to remember and a household that somehow never quite looks after itself.
Then there is the mental load: all the planning, remembering, anticipating and organising that happens behind the scenes.
It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
Somewhere amongst all those responsibilities, the things that make us feel like ourselves can quietly slip to the bottom of the list. We tell ourselves we’ll have a break when things settle down, when work gets quieter, when the children need us less, or when we’ve finally caught up.
But what if that quieter time never arrives?
What if looking after yourself needs to become part of your life now, rather than something you promise yourself for later?
the invisible mental load
Being busy isn’t necessarily the problem. Many women enjoy their careers, families, friendships and the sense of purpose that comes with being there for others.
The difficulty arises when the demands become relentless and there is little room left to recharge.
The mental load is more than completing tasks. It’s remembering that the school permission form needs signing, noticing that the fridge is almost empty, planning a birthday. Checking in on a friend who is struggling, remembering a family appointment and anticipating what everyone else might need next.
Even when you’re sitting down, your mind may still be running through tomorrow’s list.
Australian women’s mental health organisation Beyond Blue recognises that social expectations, unequal caring responsibilities, work pressures and financial stress can all contribute to women’s distress. It’s women’s mental health resource explores these challenges and the importance of accessing support.
For women juggling paid employment with parenting, relationships, household responsibilities or caring for ageing parents, the demands can feel particularly heavy.
You might finish a full day at work only to begin another shift at home. You might be the person everyone turns to when something goes wrong, while struggling to find someone to turn to yourself.
Over time, this contstant giving can leave you feeling emotionally depleted, irritable, overwhelmed or disconnected from the things you once enjoyed.
Because you’ve become accustomed to managing everything, you may not recognise just how much you’re carrying until you finally stop.
why do we feel guilty about taking time for ourselves?
Have you ever had half an hour to yourself and spent most of it thinking about what you should be doing instead?
Perhaps you sit down with a coffee, only to remember the washing. You consider going for a walk, but decide the house needs cleaning. You think about booking a massage, then wonder whetter the money would be better spent on the family.
This is where guilt can creep in.
Many women have absorbed the idea that being a good mother, partner, daughter, friend or employee means being available, helpful and dependable. We can become so accustomed to prioritising other people that doing something for ourselves feels indulgent.
Sometimes, we worry that saying no will disappoint someone. Sometimes, we fear being judged as selfish. Sometimes, we simply don’t know what to do with ourselves when nobody needs anything from us.
But here’s something worth remembering: you can care deeply about other people without making yourself responsible for everything.
Rest is not a reward you must earn by completing every task. Enjoyment isn’t something you have to justify. Your needs don’t become less important simply because somebody else has needs, too.
You are allowed to have a life that includes you.
what happens when we continually put ourselves last?
We all experience busy periods. A demanding project, a new baby, a family illness or a major life transition can temporarily leave little time for anything else.
The concern is when temporary busyness becomes your everyday reality.
Without opportunities to rest and recover, you may notice that your patience becomes shorter, small problems feel enormous and activities you one enjoyed begin to feel like another obligation.
You might find yourself withdrawing from friends, struggling to concentrate, feeling resentful about responsibilities, or wondering why you no longer have the energy to do the things you love.
You may even feel guilty about those reactions, which creates another layer of pressure.
It’s important to recognise that tiredness and overwhelm don’t automatically mean you’re experiencing a mental health condition. However, persistent exhaustion, low mood, anxiety or loss of interest are worth taking seriously, particularly when they affect your daily life.
Looking after yourself won’t magically remove financial pressure, relationship difficulties, work stress or the demands of parenting. Nor should self-care be used to suggest that women simply need to become better at managing an unreasonable workload.
Sometimes, the answer involves sharing responsibilities more daily, asking for practical help, changing expectations or seeking professional support.
Self-care is one part of the picture. Having the space, resources and support to care for yourself matters just as much.
making time for yourself is an investment, not a luxury
Think about the things that help you feel grounded and connected to yourself.
Perhaps it’s walking outdoors, reading a book, catching up with a friend, spending time in the garden, moving your body or sitting quietly with a cup of tea.
These things might seem small compared with everything else you need to accomplish. Yet they can provide opportunities to pause, enjoy something without an outcome and reconnect with what matters to you.
Making time for yourself can also help you notice your needs before you reach the point of complete exhaustion. You have more opportunities to reflect on your feelings, consider your choices and recognise when something in your life needs to change.
Australian healthdirect’s guide to work-life balance encourages people to consider their values, interests and priorities, rather than allowing daily demands to dictate everything.
This is an important distinction. A balanced life doesn’t mean every area receives exactly the same amount of time. It means making room for the areas that sustain you, alongside the responsibilities that matter.
Sometimes, that starts with asking yourself a simple question:
If I treated my own wellbeing as something important, what might I do differently this week?
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life to begin answering it.
You might protect 15 minutes in the morning, ask your partner to take responsibility for a regular household task, arrange a child-free afternoon or stop automatically agreeing to every request.
Small changes can create breathing room. Over time, they can also help you question the belief that your needs must always come last.
you don’t have to wait until you’re running on empty
One of the biggest misconceptions about self-care is that it’s something we turn to when everything becomes too much.
In reality, you don’t need to reach breaking point before you’re allowed to slow down.
You can make space for yourself when life is going well. You can take a break before you’re exhausted. You can enjoy an afternoon alone without needing to explain that you’re had a difficult week.
You can simply do it because you’re a person whose wellbeing matters.
Start by noticing what leaves you feeling replenished and what consistently drains you.
Pay attention to the moment when you feel most like yourself. Consider what you’ve stopped doing because you’ve been too busy looking after everyone else.
If you discover that you genuinely have very little time available, look beyond your personal schedule. Could responsibilities be shared differently? Could a non-essential commitment be removed? Could you ask for help rather than carrying everything alone?
You deserve more than the leftover minutes at the end of everybody else’s day.
a gentle reminder
You don’t have to become more productive, more organised or better at multitasking to deserve a break.
You are already worthy of rest, enjoyment and care.
In Part Two, we’ll explore practical ways to make room for yourself in everyday life, from simple mindfulness practices and small daily rituals to taking yourself on a date and rediscovering the things you enjoy.
Because making space for yourself doesn’t have to mean changing everything. It can begin with one small decision to include yourself in the life you’re so busy managing.
A question to reflect on…What’s one thing you miss doing just for yourself - and what is one small step you could take to bring it back into your life?
